SPOILER ALERT: The following blog may contain details you may wish to avoid reading, in case you haven’t read or seen TFIOS.
I just got home from seeing ‘The Fault in Our Stars’. I have not read the book, and I went to see it by myself, because I heard it was a sob fest. And it was. I was holding back tears quite a lot. The premise of the story isn’t unlike other movies in which cancer plays a prominent role. What is special about it are the famous quotes I’ve been reading since the movie came out. Quotes such as:
"I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once."
"You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world… but you do have a say in who hurts you."
"The world is not a wish-granting factory."
"You see, you put the killing thing right between your teeth, but you never give it the power to kill you. A metaphor."
… to quote a few. And though these quotes so poetically seem to describe exactly what you feel throughout the course of this movie, it’s also the realizations you have between the great quotes about love that make it worth watching. There was a time I used to dream about the kind of love Hazel and Augustus had for each other. The kind of love that consumes you, the kind of love that makes you feel safe, with a partner who actually expresses, verbally, just how much you mean to them. Who expresses what a treasure to them you are. And I don’t mean your parents, because let’s face it, that’s their job. To be with someone who loves you so much that they actually want to get to know the way you think, to ask you questions no one else thinks to ask, to reveal parts of yourself that you even forgot you had.
Because the truth is this: Death happens right in the middle of life. I don’t mean halfway between 1 and 100, I mean, you never know when it’s coming. It could be 5 minutes from now. It could be 5 decades from now. When I was reminded of this while watching this movie, I started to cry. I know I stress over life a lot; am I in the right career field, should I even have a career at all, should I just leave the entertainment industry to go build homes in India, and what’s the point of all this stressing if none of it is going to amount to anything anyway?
Humans are constantly evolving and everyone has a unique perspective on life. I have come to a new realization today that I do not believe in a God “out there” that controls everything. I don’t believe this at all. I believe that all there ever is, ever was, ever will be is energy. There is a higher consciousness I believe everything in all the existing universes shares. I think life is all interdependent. Every single choice we make affects our own lives, and consequently, all of life. I don’t think we could ever fully know the consequences of our choices until we’ve made them, because every single choice is new. Even if you choose the same thing you’ve chosen before, it’s a new moment, the world around you is changing every minute, and you change too.
Sometimes, if I need to play a scene which requires me to cry, I’ll play “Video Games” by Lana del Rey, and put myself in the shoes of my 97 year-old self. And I look back on all the memories in my life, all the people, all the experiences, all the different places I’ve been. People can drive me absolutely crazy sometimes, most of all myself, but the truth is, life is the most beautiful gift of all.
Sometimes I can’t wait to die. To be released from all the confusion, pain, and uncertainty of this unfair world. Then I see movies like TFIOS… Or I listen to a great song… Or I see children playing, and I’m reminded of how unbelievably beautiful life is. I’m reminded of how we all wish to be remembered for something beautiful, even if it’s just by one person.
I guess my promise to myself after today is to remember the world and people as a beautiful place. No matter how much tragedy, injustices, acts of terrorism, and violence occur, I will not let my awareness of those things overshadow everything that makes life great. All we have in this life is choice. You can blame it on Eve if you choose to. But I believe that choice is what keeps life exciting, interesting, and mysterious. None of us would be here if it wasn’t for freedom of choice, or will, if you will. I choose to see beauty in everything because anything else is just unbearable.
Perhaps the fault in our stars is not that we lose things that we love, but that we fail to express how deeply we love or value something/someone until it is lost. So in case this is the last Tumblr blog I write before I die, I love life on Earth. It is a beautiful privilege to live here and witness all the different people, stories, plants, animals, music, art, triumphs, tragedies. I may not even know you, but I know that you were born from the same magical stardust we all come from. And that makes you unique, beautiful, memorable.
I don’t know if I’ve lived many lifetimes before this one, but this life is, by far, the best one.